Thursday, March 8, 2012

HELP! My Client Is A ZOMBIE! - Answers To Common Questions

Since starting the "Certified Zombie Strength and Conditioning Specialist Certification Challenge!" (CZSCSCC, for short), I've gotten a lot of questions from zombie trainers all over the world. Of course, the answer to every question is GET CERTIFIED! However, I understand that because of limited space and a waiting list of two years for our certs, people need some help now. So, I've decided to answer questions here on the blog FOR ABSOLUTELY FREE! Why am I giving away such valuable information FOR FREE? Well, I love zombies. And, I know you love your zombies. So, here we go:

Question: My zombie client is overweight. Would losing some lbs help it catch (and eat) more brain?

Answer: Maybe. For zombies, losing weight is easy - chopping off excess flesh is a simple fix, and it may help your zombie run like Jerry Lewis. Unfortunately for zombies, weight gain is almost impossible and, once it's gone, it's gone forever. They might need the added mass to smash through doors, move an obstacle, or pin a victim. Trim with caution!

Jerry's lack of mass isn't helping here.

Question: My zombie's horrible at pull-ups. Nothing seems to work and I've tried bands, vertical pull-ups, lighting his pants on fire - you name it, I've tried it! Nothing seems to motivate him either!

Answer: Buddy, your client is a zombie. Unless your zombie was Michael Phelps in life, zombies don't swim. Zombies don't box, throw, or kick either. And, in answer to your question, ZOMBIES DON'T CLIMB! A lot of well-intentioned zombie trainers have tried to get their clients to do Fran but, in addition to the pull-ups issue, zombies are notoriously hard to motivate to do pressing exercises. A better exercise combination would be something like an "inclined crawl + reach for the brain on a stick" while wearing a weight vest and Heavy Hands.

That's all for this time. Next time, we'll tackle some really tough questions like "My zombie scored a '1' on its ASLR - what should I do?" and "Is unstable surface training a good idea for my zombie?".

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