Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Scott Adams on Steroid Marketing

Steroid Commercial

I just heard that sprinter Justin Gatlin, the world record holder for 100 meters, tested positive for testosterone and steroids. I was shocked!
My first thought went to the second-fastest man in the world. I have this image of him being so happy when he heard the news that he leaped for joy with his mighty legs, penetrated the ceiling, continued on through the attic and roof, and landed in an nearby pond, where he downed...
How happy are the guys who sell illegal steroids? You can't buy that kind of advertisement. And it sure makes it harder for the just-say-no people. "Kids, don't do steroids. If you do, you might become the fastest man in the world and have so much poontang and money that... I forgot my point."
Just once maybe there should be a story about an athlete who did steroids and didn't set a world record, and didn't hump his way through the entire Victoria Secrets model list. Otherwise you have what I call a mixed message.
Have you ever seen one of the bodybuilding competitions where all the contestants are "natural", meaning they tested negative for drugs? The winner still looks like he could lift a car, and that's impressive. But the winner of the nonnatural competition looks like he could crush the car into a small ball, eat it, and poop it five miles into the center of a mountain. There's a difference.
As I understand it, the side effects of steroids include pimples, shrunken nuggets, and the occasional rage. Are you telling me that science can't fix those things? Just give me some Retin-A, nutsack implants, and Prozac and I'm good to go. I think it would be worth it if I could pull a grown tree out of the ground with my bare hands. Then, at holiday gatherings, when the life-of-the-party guy starts playing the piano. I could upstage him by lifting the house off its foundation and shaking all the furniture to one side until his stupid piano falls out a side door and into the pool.

- Scott Adams (Stick To Drawing Comics, Monkey Brain!)


Aaron Friday said...

About when you start considering nutsack implants, you might re-consider what got you there.

Normal life is highly under-rated.

matt said...

Have you heard of or seen the documentary Bigger Stronger Faster* ( http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1151309/ ) Boris? I thought it was really well done. Takes a look at performance enhancing drugs.

Boris said...

I agree completely Aaron.

I've heard of it Matt, but I haven't seen it yet. It sounded pretty good.

For the record, I've known my share of family, friends, and teammates who've used - some had issues later on that certainly could be linked to those choices, others didn't. I'm, for the most part, neutral on the topic.